DEAR MAN: planning a request or refusal
Prepare words for a conversation using DEAR MAN. Practise explaining a need, making a clear request or refusal, and considering what you can negotiate.
Written by Tarun Vermani, Trainee Clinical Psychologist Last reviewed
Assign and Download open signup, then return you to this worksheet. No card required. Resource access depends on your plan or trial. Already have an account? Sign in
Worksheet preview
DEAR MAN: planning a request or refusal
PreviewLive preview — type in any field to try it. Nothing is saved here.
Using DEAR MAN for one conversation
Decide what you want the conversation to achieve: perhaps returning a borrowed item or declining another task. DEAR MAN helps you organise what to say and how to stay with that aim. Begin with a small situation you can discuss safely.
DEAR MAN is an interpersonal effectiveness skill from Marsha M. Linehan’s dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) skills training. Reference: Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
D — Describe: name the event
Choose details that both of you could check, without guessing why the other person acted that way. For example: “You borrowed my bike on Saturday. We agreed you would return it yesterday, and it is still with you.”
E — Express: explain the effect on you
Let the person know your feelings or view of the situation. Keep the statement about your experience: “I am worried about getting to work tomorrow without it.” They may not have realised what this means for you.
A — Assert: say what you need
Make the request specific enough for the person to answer. For example: “Can you bring the bike back by six this evening?” To refuse, state your limit: “I cannot lend it again this week.” You can be clear without adding a long defence.
R — Reinforce: explain a benefit
Explain how agreeing could help the other person or both of you, without making promises you cannot keep. For example: “Agreeing a return time now means we can both plan our evenings without last-minute messages.” Acknowledge the other person’s help when they follow through.
M — Mindful: return to the aim
Notice when the discussion moves away from your request. Acknowledge what was said, then return to the point: “We can talk about that separately. For now, I need to arrange getting my bike back.” Repeat your central request calmly if needed, and pause if the conversation becomes unsafe.
A — Appear confident: support your words
Choose a posture and speaking pace that help you be heard. You might put both feet on the floor and pause between sentences. Eye contact is optional; use what is comfortable and appropriate for you. Feeling nervous does not stop you from expressing a need.
N — Negotiate: consider workable options
Decide where you have room to adjust and which limits you need to keep. Ask for an alternative that still meets the need: “If you cannot bring it round, could you leave it somewhere I can collect it?” Negotiating does not require giving up safety or an important boundary.
Prepare your DEAR MAN words
Use a recent or upcoming conversation. Write brief notes for each part, then try saying them aloud. Notice any wording you want to simplify. You can revise the plan with your therapist before acting.
Try it here — nothing you type is saved. Sign up to assign it and let clients complete it on any device.
When to use ‘DEAR MAN: planning a request or refusal’
‘DEAR MAN: planning a request or refusal’ is an interactive dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) worksheet. Consider this resource when exploring how a client responds to intense emotions, distress or relationship difficulties, and where acceptance or a change in response might fit.
It is designed to be used within therapy rather than as a standalone self-help tool: a therapist introduces it, works through it collaboratively, and helps make sense of what it surfaces. You can preview the full worksheet above, then assign it digitally for clients to complete between sessions on any device or download it as a print-ready PDF.
How it works
Most people work through it in around 12 minutes. It moves through six short steps:
- Using DEAR MAN for one conversation: Decide what you want the conversation to achieve: perhaps returning a borrowed item or declining another task. DEAR MAN helps you organise…
- D — Describe: name the event: Choose details that both of you could check, without guessing why the other person acted that way. For example: “You borrowed my bike on…
- E — Express: explain the effect on you: Let the person know your feelings or view of the situation. Keep the statement about your experience: “I am worried about getting to work…
- A — Assert: say what you need: Make the request specific enough for the person to answer. For example: “Can you bring the bike back by six this evening?” To refuse, state…
- R — Reinforce: explain a benefit: Explain how agreeing could help the other person or both of you, without making promises you cannot keep. For example: “Agreeing a return…
- M — Mindful: return to the aim: Notice when the discussion moves away from your request. Acknowledge what was said, then return to the point: “We can talk about that…
Completed on the Formulate platform, your client's answers are saved automatically and shared straight back to you, so you can review them before the next session rather than waiting for a paper copy to come back.
The DBT approach behind it
‘DEAR MAN: planning a request or refusal’ draws on dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT). DBT brings acceptance and change together: recognising an experience as it is while considering a different response. Its skills include mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation and interpersonal effectiveness. These offer ways to notice what is happening, stay with difficult moments, understand emotions and communicate needs. The therapist and client can consider which skills fit the situation.
It is intended as one part of a wider course of therapy rather than as advice or a diagnosis. The therapist can help decide how it fits the work and discuss what emerges.
Evidence & sources
This worksheet draws on dialectical behaviour therapy. Key sources include:
- Linehan, M.M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). New York: Guilford Press.
- Linehan, M.M. (1993). Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. New York: Guilford Press.
For use alongside professional support
Formulate provides educational CBT resources for use with a qualified therapist. They are not a substitute for professional assessment, diagnosis, or crisis care.
If you need urgent help now:
- Emergency services: 999 — if you or someone else is in immediate danger
- Samaritans: 116 123 — free, day or night, 365 days a year
- SANEline: 0800 689 5555 — 4:30pm–10:30pm, every day
More Psychoeducation worksheets
View all Psychoeducation worksheets →Psychoeducation
Understanding the CBT Model
An introduction to how thoughts, feelings, body sensations and behaviour connect in a loop, and how CBT uses this to help you feel differently.
Psychoeducation
The Stress Response: Fight, Flight or Freeze
An explainer on how the body's threat system works, why the physical feelings of fear are uncomfortable but harmless, and why false alarms happen.
Psychoeducation
Understanding Core Beliefs
A plain-language explainer on the levels of thinking in CBT: automatic thoughts, underlying assumptions, and the deep core beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world.
Psychoeducation
The Window of Tolerance
A plain-language guide to your window of tolerance: the zone where you can think, feel, and cope. Learn what it looks like when you go above it (overwhelmed) or below it (shut down), and simple ways to come back.
Psychoeducation
The Three Emotion Systems
A simple introduction to the three systems that shape our feelings: threat, drive, and soothe. Learn why modern life and self-criticism can leave the soothe system underused, and how compassion helps bring them back into balance.
Psychoeducation
Naming Your Emotions
Putting accurate words to feelings can lower how strong they feel. This handout explains the idea of name it to tame it and gives you an emotion-word list, from basic feelings out to more precise ones, to help you say what is going on inside.
Want to assign this to a client?
Create a free therapist account to use the homework and library download tools. Clients can complete assigned homework online or use a blank PDF. See how the homework workflow works.
No card required. The Free plan includes 10 worksheet uses a month. Check plan access and limits.